Three years ago...
This post is about one occasion that I’ve been suicidal. This will form part of a book I’m writing about my life and my experiences with depression.
These are my experiences and they may not be the same as yours or anybody that you know.
Please note that this may be triggering for anybody who’s experienced suicidal thoughts.
If you need support, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7) or the Mind Infoline on 0300 123 3393 (9-6 Mon-Fri)
These are my experiences and they may not be the same as yours or anybody that you know.
Please note that this may be triggering for anybody who’s experienced suicidal thoughts.
If you need support, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7) or the Mind Infoline on 0300 123 3393 (9-6 Mon-Fri)
Three years ago, on the night 2-3 June 2015, I had gotten to such a low place that I felt life wasn’t worth living; I was suicidal. Whilst this wasn’t the first time that I had been suicidal, for me it definitely the day that I was the lowest I’ve ever been.
A lot of what happened that day, I cannot remember. Alongside other memory problems that I have, when you’re trying to remember such a distressing time, you don’t manage to remember everything.
I have no recollection of what I did during the day, but I am certain it was just a usual day for me. In the evening though, that’s when things started to get difficult. Whilst revising for an exam the next day that I was unprepared for, things started escalating between myself and members of my family. I don’t have a good relationship with my family, and things that night escalated. I lead myself to a situation that, due to an irrational fear I have, I felt scared. Feeling scared, on top of what was happening between myself and members of my family, lead me having a spiral of negative thoughts. For me, there was one specific issue that lead me to feeling low, but what lead me to being suicidal was more than just that one issue. It was previous issues with family linked to this issue and previous, unrelated, family issues. When thinking about the issues with my family, I think about all the other issues I have in my life. These all link up in one way or another. I’ve created a simplified, but complicated, diagram to explain is this
A lot of what happened that day, I cannot remember. Alongside other memory problems that I have, when you’re trying to remember such a distressing time, you don’t manage to remember everything.
I have no recollection of what I did during the day, but I am certain it was just a usual day for me. In the evening though, that’s when things started to get difficult. Whilst revising for an exam the next day that I was unprepared for, things started escalating between myself and members of my family. I don’t have a good relationship with my family, and things that night escalated. I lead myself to a situation that, due to an irrational fear I have, I felt scared. Feeling scared, on top of what was happening between myself and members of my family, lead me having a spiral of negative thoughts. For me, there was one specific issue that lead me to feeling low, but what lead me to being suicidal was more than just that one issue. It was previous issues with family linked to this issue and previous, unrelated, family issues. When thinking about the issues with my family, I think about all the other issues I have in my life. These all link up in one way or another. I’ve created a simplified, but complicated, diagram to explain is this
Whilst there may have been one thing that lead me to feeling low, other issues in my life, on top of this, lead me to feeling suicidal. To have prevented me becoming suicidal, there is no one thing I would’ve changed. If my situation with my family that night was different, maybe I wouldn’t have been suicidal; there is no way of knowing.
What happened that night between myself and members of my family was very small and has happened before; I would just say ‘whatever’ and walk away from the situation. With everything, past and present, going on with my life, and everything i ended up thinking about that night, I felt I couldn’t handle it anymore.
For me, being suicidal is not wanting to be alive to the point that you want to end your own life. I have never attempted suicide. That isn’t because I didn’t want to die, it’s because I’m scared of a survived attempt (also known as a failed attempt*). There have been 2** occasions in my life where, if I had something that would guarantee my life to end with out any pain (for example euthanasia), I’m certain I would’ve used it. With both of these occasions though, thankfully, I didn’t have anything I would deem lethal to end my own life. I didn’t want a survived attempt. I didn’t want to attempt suicide by using methods that could lead to health implications in the future. I didn’t want to be known as the person that attempted to take their own life. I just wanted my life to end; to to have never existed in the first place.
When I’ve been suicidal, the one thing I wanted (aside from death), was to be alone. I didn’t want anybody to know I was suicidal. This was partly because nobody really knew what was going on in my life at the time. Comments like ‘oh, it isn’t that bad’ ‘oh but your family is normal’ ‘oh but the situation in your family is your fault’ ‘all you have to is walk away’ ‘just don’t let it get to you’ are one’s I’ve heard many times. The other reason for me is that, although talking to somebody who understands me and knows what’s happening in my life helps a lot, I just need some time to myself in a place that I feel ‘safe’;
Some people struggle to fully understand why people become suicidal. This is a metaphorical explanation of my experiences and what lead me to being suicidal.
What happened that night between myself and members of my family was very small and has happened before; I would just say ‘whatever’ and walk away from the situation. With everything, past and present, going on with my life, and everything i ended up thinking about that night, I felt I couldn’t handle it anymore.
For me, being suicidal is not wanting to be alive to the point that you want to end your own life. I have never attempted suicide. That isn’t because I didn’t want to die, it’s because I’m scared of a survived attempt (also known as a failed attempt*). There have been 2** occasions in my life where, if I had something that would guarantee my life to end with out any pain (for example euthanasia), I’m certain I would’ve used it. With both of these occasions though, thankfully, I didn’t have anything I would deem lethal to end my own life. I didn’t want a survived attempt. I didn’t want to attempt suicide by using methods that could lead to health implications in the future. I didn’t want to be known as the person that attempted to take their own life. I just wanted my life to end; to to have never existed in the first place.
When I’ve been suicidal, the one thing I wanted (aside from death), was to be alone. I didn’t want anybody to know I was suicidal. This was partly because nobody really knew what was going on in my life at the time. Comments like ‘oh, it isn’t that bad’ ‘oh but your family is normal’ ‘oh but the situation in your family is your fault’ ‘all you have to is walk away’ ‘just don’t let it get to you’ are one’s I’ve heard many times. The other reason for me is that, although talking to somebody who understands me and knows what’s happening in my life helps a lot, I just need some time to myself in a place that I feel ‘safe’;
- Safe from seeing people I don’t wish to see; not a public place that I’m bound to see people I know
- Safe from myself; not somewhere that I fear I might attempt to take my own life
- Safe from my thoughts; somewhere that I’m distracted, so that I’m not overthinking things
- Safe from my memories; somewhere that doesn’t remind me of negative aspects of my life
Some people struggle to fully understand why people become suicidal. This is a metaphorical explanation of my experiences and what lead me to being suicidal.
Imagine you’re locked in a room. This room has desks and chairs, with a dozen other people in it. You sit down in front of Louise. She keeps kicking your chair. You ask her to stop but she doesn’t. You end up moving seats, near to Hannah. Hannah starts poking you with a pen. You ask her to stop but she continues. You snatch the pen and throw it across the room. This leads Hannah to grab the pen and poke you even more. Louise ends up moving seats to sit by you. She starts kicking your chair again and Louise continues to poke you. No matter where you sit, they will both follow you. On the other side of the room is Jack who starts being rude to you. You put your headphones on to ignore him, but it doesn’t block out his voice. You’ve had to put up with all 3 of them now for a very long time and you’ve had enough. Other people start to join in too. Those who don’t join in either sit silently and don’t intervene or help, or they cheer on the others to continue doing what they’re doing. You can’t leave the situation because there’s no where to run. You’ve tried asking them nicely to stop, but they won’t. You fight back, whether it’s getting verbally rude or physically. They still don’t stop. You snap Louise’s pen but she continues poking you with half the pen. And then you ‘snap’. You start crying. You can’t take it anymore. The only way to stop it is to leave the situation. There are many ways this can happen:
If you are affected by it, you may receive help. This may be medication, therapy or other support. Whilst these may help, not everybody receives these supports and some people don’t find these help. This leads you to kicking the door down and leaving the room. Some people may put up with it by either blocking it out or receive help to cope with it. They will either stop their actions and things in the room will improve or it will continue until the door is unlocked. If the door is unlocked; this means your life has ended. This could be due to illness or age. If you kick the door down and leave; this is you ending your life.
It’s very easy to judge and say it’s wrong for somebody to kick the door down. They should simply wait until things improve or they should try to change the situation. The issue is, they have tried all they can for things to improve. They cannot cope with it anymore; it’s been going on too long.
This is the same with life. The issue with life is that nobody truly knows everything that’s going on in somebody’s life. Even if they did know, there is no way of telling how it might affect somebody’s emotions.
- You manage to not let it affect you and you simply wait for it to either stop, or for the door to be unlocked
- You are affected by it (which is completely understandable) and this leads you to being very unhappy
- You are affected by it and end up kicking the door down
If you are affected by it, you may receive help. This may be medication, therapy or other support. Whilst these may help, not everybody receives these supports and some people don’t find these help. This leads you to kicking the door down and leaving the room. Some people may put up with it by either blocking it out or receive help to cope with it. They will either stop their actions and things in the room will improve or it will continue until the door is unlocked. If the door is unlocked; this means your life has ended. This could be due to illness or age. If you kick the door down and leave; this is you ending your life.
It’s very easy to judge and say it’s wrong for somebody to kick the door down. They should simply wait until things improve or they should try to change the situation. The issue is, they have tried all they can for things to improve. They cannot cope with it anymore; it’s been going on too long.
This is the same with life. The issue with life is that nobody truly knows everything that’s going on in somebody’s life. Even if they did know, there is no way of telling how it might affect somebody’s emotions.
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
David L. Conroy
David L. Conroy
Where I am on my ‘journey to recovery’ I don’t know, but I know I’m much further along than I was 3 years ago. For me, recovery isn’t a destination. It’s not that you’re either recovered not not recovered; it’s a journey that everybody is on. Some may be at the end of the journey and be fully recovered, others may be waiting to start their journey and some haven’t been able to start it yet. No 2 people’s journeys are the same and it’s not a race. You can’t compare two people’s journeys as to who’s further along, because no 2 people will have the same experiences.
I will be expanding on this more within my book, as well as talking about other aspects of my life. If you would like to keep up to date with the work that I do in the mental health field, including my book, please enter your email address below.
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*I do not like the term ‘failed attempt’, due to it implying that suicide is a ‘successful’ act
**My past experiences with being suicidal/suicidal thoughts are more complicated, which I will be speaking more about in my book.